What do you do when everything around you is falling in on you?

Have you ever had those sleepless nights where you could not get any real sleep?  I have had more than I could have ever imagined.  They are not from physical strain, but from emotional and spiritual exhaustion.  You can’t take a pill for that kind of pain to make it go away.

In the early part of what happened to me and my family I found myself at a breaking point.  I had done no wrong, but found myself being accused of something that I did not do.  While I was able to show I did not do it and have ample proof, those in leadership at the church did not care.  They were bound and determined to get rid of me.  At the core of this “witch hunt” was their desire to cover up what they had been doing for years.  If I was found innocent of their accusations, then all of their sins and wrongdoings would become evident.

One night, actually 1:30 in the morning, I became so despondent that I didn’t want to live anymore.  While I had no desire to take my own life, I just didn’t want to live with this intense pain anymore.  My wife found me on the floor, curled up in a fetal position and crying out and talking incoherently.  She asked me, “What is wrong and what can I do for you?”  I responded and told her,  “I am in pain and I don’t know what to do.”  She then asked me, “What can I get for you to make it better?”  I told her, “there is nothing you can get for me, because it is my heart that hurts and is breaking and their is no medicine for that!”

What do you do when everything around you is falling in on you?  How could I be charged with something so petty and ridiculous and be forced to resign and go before the church to admit my guilt, for something I did not do?  What was there to live for?  Those in whom I had place my trust were the very ones who had turned on me in a vicious manner.

Then I found myself visualizing my Savior dying a cruel and hateful death on a cross for NO wrong on his part.  While the two circumstances were nowhere comparable, I could draw strength and comfort and knowing my Savior had endured what I had and SO much more.  He knew my current pain and hurt.  He was there for me and with me.  While the sting of what was going on in my life, at the moment, was still very real and hurtful (beyond words), I had a Savior who knew me and was reaching out to give me aid and comfort. That is when the song, in the video above, came flooding back to my mind.  Christ was running to me. What I discovered, was that when the hurt is SO bad you can’t take it any more, He is still there for you and with you.  The paid was still evident, but the Healer of that pain was more evident and real in my life than ever before.

Watch this video to see what gave me comfort and grace at an hour that I needed it more than ever in my life.

Until we meet again…….

Grace

Grace=Unmerited favor, generous, free and totally unexpected, undeserved and a special favor.

These are the words I have come to know in a special and personal way as of late.  God gave the most precious gift to me and that was the gift of salvation.  While I was undeserving of His special favor, He offered it to me freely.

The word grace means more to me now than it did before my family and I were hurt so harshly by the local body and its leadership.  When I think of what was done to us, undeservedly, at times is more than I can stand.  Why would a pastor, the leadership and the church act so unChristlike?  How can those, who claim to be men and women of God, act in this way?

Continue reading “Grace”

How do you forgive when the hurt is so deep?

How do you forgive when the hurt is so deep?

Grace=Unmerited favor, generous, free and totally unexpected, undeserved and a special favor.

These are the words I have come to know in a special and personal way as of late.  God gave the most precious gift to me and that was the gift of salvation.  While I was undeserving of His special favor, He offered it to me freely.

The word grace means more to me now than it did before my family and I were hurt so harshly by the local body and its leadership.  When I think of what was done to us, undeservedly, at times is more than I can stand.  Why would a pastor, the leadership and the church act so unChristlike?  How can those, who claim to be men and women of God, act in this way?

The words of this new song has given me hope, challenged my heart and helped bring healing to my soul.

I can’t believe what she said
I can’t believe what he did
Oh, don’t they know it’s wrong?
Don’t they know it’s wrong?
Well maybe there’s something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It’s wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love. This is hate.
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won’t You forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’ (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin’

It’s only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that’s mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn’t feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it’s not that much
When I think of what You’ve done.

This is love. This is hate.
We’ve got a choice to make

Oh, Father, won’t You forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin’ (oh no)

Why do we think that hate’s gonna change their heart?
We’re up in arms over wars that don’t need to be fought
But pride won’t let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and them it’ll stop
But truth be told it doesn’t matter if they’re sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down

Oh, Father, won’t you forgive them?
They don’t know what they’ve been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I’ve been losing

Oh Father won’t you forgive them
They don’t know what they’ve been doin’
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin’
I feel like I’ve been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin’

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/feels_like_ive_be_losin.html ]

I have come to realize, in a whole new way, that forgiveness is a choice of the heart. Most of the time we don’t feel like forgiving, because we have been so wronged that we want the other person(s) to pay for the hurt they inflicted on us. But this is not in step with the heart of our Heavenly Father. He desires for us to forgive those who have wronged us, no matter the hurt and circumstances.

How do you forgive when the hurt is so deep?

I will have to admit this is something I have to do not only on a daily basis, but multiple times a day. When the hurt is so deep you can’t stand it, how do you find the ability to forgive? There is only one way to find that place of forgiveness and that is in His abiding love.

How do you forgive when the hurt is so deep? Thru the grace of God.

Until tomorrow…..

When The Church Forsakes You

When the church forsakes you.

Good Evening,

This is the first time I have ever written a blog.  By no means am I an author or have clever words. I want to talk briefly about what happens when the church forsakes you.

What I do have is a heart for Jesus that has been wounded by the local body.  I, in no way, want this to be a gripe session or a time to bash the local body.  I do want to give an honest and realistic view of the local body and what happens to a pastor, when the local body forsakes its own.

For nearly 30 years I have served the local body with excitement, enthusiasm, dedication and a willingness to go above and beyond for “The Church”.  While I have seen the behind the scene things that go on at most churches, I learned that the body of Christ is made up of imperfect people and I overlooked others shortcomings as they have mine.

But what do you do when you discover that the pastors at a local body turn their backs on one of their own, to save a paycheck or to cover up their own ungodliness?  What do you do when their attempts to cover up their own sin, causes the local body to go into a tailspin, lose membership, cause division and refuse to repent?

During the days ahead I will try and chronicle what I have seen thru my experience in the local body. Some of this was and is so hurtful, it is hard to put it into words.  It is so unbelievable that most will have a hard time believing a local church could take part in such behavior.  Before all of this, I would not believe a local body of believers and pastors could do such harm, all in the name of Jesus. When the church forsakes you it is hard to move on and get past it.

In the end, my reasons for writing this is to help other pastors who have been thru what I have been thru and see God’s healing hand, even when we can’t see it with human eyes, but know that thru faith we will see it.

Deuteronomy 31

Joshua to Succeed Moses

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

When the church forsakes you.

Until later………